Friday, 13 April 2012
My love for you is a journey. Starting at forever and ending at never :)
I don't know what to say. I think I had one of the worse days of my life today. I felt like crying the whole day. Any little thing could trigger me and I'll burst into tears. I was listening to all his favourite songs on repeat mode. And I didn't even eat properly. I felt like vomitting when I looked at any food which is insane cause I live to eat. I love food. But I guess I love him more. It's like I'm giving up everything else so that I have more space to love him or something. Weird huh? Guess we always want what we can't have. I feel like screaming I LOVE YOU right now. But it's like totally pointless. He's not gonna hear. He's never gonna hear it. And even if he does, he'll just act like he didn't.
I was reading through all his messages just now. On facebook and on my phone. Happy and sad moments. The first time I said I love you to him. How we use to call each other names and argue. Our first break up. Gosh, so many memories. I know I should delete them but I can't. I don't want to lose those moments. Those were the best moments of my life. Deleting them would be like deleting him from my life which I can't do. At least not right now. I don't think I'll ever be able to actually. And then there's the pictures. His pictures are my desktop backgrounds, screen savers and wallpapers. All my passwords from ATMs to emails all are either his name or birthday. Mimi was advising me to change them but I'm scared that I'll forget the codes. Or worst still forget him. It's scary thinking about all that.
Then there's the fat issue. Someone told me that maybe he'll like me if I lose some fats. Like I said, I'll do anything for him. But it still hurts to know that he might only want me if I'm thin. Wait, it doesn't just hurt. It f*cking hurts. The kind of hurt where it's like a knife is stabbing through your heart. I want him to love me for who I am, not what I am. I feel really weak right now. Lack or sleep, dehyderation and all that. I just wanna sleep and not wake up. Not wake up to face all this hurt. I'm still wearing his wristband btw. I took it off for a while but I couldn't take it. It's like my life support or something. Basically, point is I miss him. I miss us. And I know I can't have him back but I'm still hoping.
Life official sucks BIG TIME :'(