Thursday, 28 January 2016
There were a lot of couples who I looked up to for their long distance relationships especially when my boyfriend decided to go to Penang for his internship. To be honest, I never thought I could handle long distance. A lot of people I knew couldn't handle it and their relationships ended so I just thought no, this is definitely not for me either. So when the bombshell dropped and the pleading and begging ended, I was left on my own all alone within my four walls. Yes I survived that 5 months but it definitely wasn't easy at first. There were days I would wake up crying and countless of nights sleeping on my tear-drenched pillows. Like I said earlier those couples were kind of like my pillar, their random trips back to surprise their significant other and all the random stuff that they posted on social media to show how much they miss each other. But most of them didn't survive in the end :( I don't know how and why it ended but trust me I was shocked when I realized they were no longer together, pillars are not invincible after all.
The one thing which I learnt while being on this LDR was that I can stand on my own. And there will be times when you need to make decisions for yourself, for your better good, so make the right choice. Because to be honest yes we all want our happy ever after but life isn't a fairy tale and prince charming doesn't exist so you gotta be your own hero. Relationships mean putting the other persons needs before your own but make sure it works both ways. Loving yourself is more important than anyone else because you have to deal with the person in the mirror not anyone else. This is pretty much everything that came into perspective during those 5 months. Maybe some relationships are sweeter than the rest but never lose yourself in the process.
Friday, 1 January 2016
Sunday, 20 December 2015
Saturday, 28 November 2015
And now you come to me saying you have doubts about a relationship that is not even your priority? Like wow talk about a slap on the face, I think even that would have hurt less. You're the one making the stupid decisions and dragging me along for it but you're the one with the doubts? Falling for another girl when your girlfriend is here thinking about you and finding ways to spend time with you isn't enough? Or texting other girls and going for dinner with them while your girlfriend entertains your family and deals with their judgments? Even getting a slap couldn't make you tell the truth when everyone else was telling your girlfriend she was being deceived.
You were never afraid of losing and you never will be. I'm just waiting for that one day when I have finally had enough and decide to pack up and walk away. Trust me when that day comes there will be no turning back. So yeah you have doubts? I really wonder why cause the last time I checked I never gave you a reason to have doubts.
Sunday, 22 November 2015
With all that being said, I know you will probably never read this but inspired by Miley Cyrus 7 things I would like to thank you for everything - good or bad because they helped shaped me into the person I am today. Thank you for giving me the closure I needed the last time we hanged out, you do not know how bad I needed it. It made me realized we were both not ready for something so special in our lives and that's okay because it prepared us for the special people in our lives now. Thank you for just paying for everything, it made me realize how a girl should be treated every once in awhile. Thank you for letting me win at pool even though we both know you are the better player, it reminded me of why I feel in love with you from the start. Thank you for not smoking in the car because you know how much I hate the smell, it is nice to know that you still remember some of my pet peeves. Last but not the least, thank you for opening up to me about whatever happened in the past - the tears and laughter, you made me realize that I was not the only one that was hurting, we were both wounded.
Maybe everything you said that night was not true but I would give it the benefit of the doubt. We had 26 days and so many memories that I will probably never forget but knowing that my heart doesn't ache anymore is that best feeling ever trust me. I'm finally closing this chapter that was way overdue with a sense of completeness. Thanks for the memories. Bluek.
Saturday, 3 October 2015
So to cut to the chase, a guy told me that all guys will put their car first before their girlfriends. And this guy who told me this even went further to say that when his previous girlfriend confronted him because he had a problem with her eating in his car and asked him to choose between the car and her, he gladly choose his car. I was baffled beyond words when I heard this. I’ve read about how guys worship their cars and I have my fair share of close guy friends who are car freaks, including my boyfriend but none of them would choose their car over their family and friends. Like you’re choosing this material thing over a person that’s supposed to be your other half? No wonder you are still single man.
But that got me thinking, how many people would actually choose something materialistic over a living breathing human being? I know I used to be super obsessed with my phone that I could not go anywhere without it but after going for a week long camp without my phone, I learnt that I could live without it. A lot of people have their priorities pretty messed up though. It is sad because they are showing love to things instead of people so their love can never be returned.
The perfect example I would give to the guys who choose their cars over girlfriends, would be the Fast & Furious movies. Yes it is ride or die but it is ride or die for family, the people they love. Even in a movie that is all about cars, they put family first. You may say your girlfriend is not family, but why are you dating her then if not to start a family with her? You are supposed to be protecting her at all costs and that’s what families do right? People have got to stop using people and loving things, instead start loving people and using things. Get their priorities straight.
Saturday, 15 August 2015
The worst thing the person you love can do to you is lie. It betrays the trust that you had for that person and makes you question everything the person ever said to you. Like were you lying when you said I love you? Were you lying when you said I'm the only one? And when you're pissed drunk and it leads to this emotional state and you just can't control your emotions and everything just flows. It's like getting stabbed in the heart a millions times or getting your heart ripped out from your chest. Trust me, you can't fake those emotions.
Sometimes I wonder how do people move on from the betrayal of a loved one? Yes, forgiving is easy but how about forgetting and moving on? How can you possibly be alright with whatever the person is doing? Is that possible? There's just so many questions and so little answers. I guess that's what makes me cling on to God so much. Just knowing that He is the only one that's never gonna betray my trust even though I have betrayed His trust numerous times.
I would also consider it karma sometimes. We never appreciate the people that truly love us till it's too late and they have moved on. We become the person that's taken for granted now. That is until the day we finally decide to walk away just like the people who loved us did. And the cycle just continues till two people who have been taken for granted eventually find each other and live happily ever after. Or maybe the person just continues to be taken for granted. I don't know the ending of the story.
All I know is that it's 4 in the morning and I've finally sobered up from the tears. And I wish I didn't feel this crappy right now.
Thursday, 13 August 2015
Firstly I will start by introducing myself. By year, I am considered 21 but my birthday is in a few months time. I was raised by both my parents till I was 16 and then they separated and as of this year, are officially divorced. I was brought up in a household where my parents were both drinkers and my dad is a smoker. They brought me to a pub before I could even walk and I had my fair share of birthday, Christmas and every other festival celebration there. But guess what was my order every Friday night? A Sprite or Coke. Yes there were nights when I was cheeky and my parents would allow me a sip of their drink but that was about it. I knew that I would only be able to start drinking when I was older because they raised me in such a manner. Even when they separated, I could have gone down the road of drinking and smoking - everyone would have just blamed my parents right? But I didn't because I knew better. I was raised better.
So fast forward a little bit to after SPM, I started helping out in Sunday School in the confirmation class with 2 other friends. My friend was turning 21 and he was having a party so I drank Shandy. Imagine at the age of 19 I was getting tipsy from a little bit of Shandy, but that was the first time I was drinking. My friends would remember how I laughed for no reason. Then the next time was during Christmas and New Year. So I only started drinking during occasions. No big deal because hardly any photos were surfacing on my Facebook account. Mind you, I was going for youth camps, giving testimonies and helping out at Sunday School at this time. Was I drawing further away from God? No, in fact I was drawing closer to Him because I know none of this could ever comfort me like God's love does.
Now this year, I became part of the core team in the youths and I'm at church almost every day of the week. I have found my true joy in the God and nothing can take that away from me. Not even alcohol. This year, I also started drinking with my friends every month. We would go over to drink at someone's house or head over to a rented apartment. No we did not go clubbing. Instead, we drink, eat, talk, dance and just let loose. Yes sometimes someone over drinks and ends up puking but we take care of each other, I over drank too when I didn't know my limits. It's a learning process. We even discuss about religion sometimes, relationships and every other topic possible. I'm not saying you need to drink to have a good time and talk things out but what's wrong in drinking? I see young people who are still in school drinking and I'm like wow when I was your age, all I drank was Sprite to get a sugar rush. I'm not judging people based on their age but the fact remains that I am 21 and I can think for myself. 5 years down the road, I might be married. What drinking session will I be having then? There will be way more responsibilities as I get older and I'll eventually even need to support my family. Am I influencing others to drink? OF course not. I saw my own youth leaders drinking last time but that didn't influence me to drink. I made a choice to start drinking, no one forced me to and I always walk away from this.
I would like to say thank you to the people who are concerned about my well being. I get where you are coming from but please understand that you cannot dictate my life. I have to make choices and experience my own life. I will always go back to God no matter what because those drinking sessions are temporary but He is permanent and everlasting.
Thursday, 4 June 2015
Wednesday, 13 May 2015
I miss him and I miss them. Like how all of us were. The crazy stuff and all. When we were inseparable. I just never thought things would change but it did and I'm still dealing with the aftermath. Like how can you go for years of knowing someone to just becoming a complete stranger? I still find it strange, like I'm just going to wake up one day and everything is going to be okay. Which is not possible in any way but a person can dream. Hahah.
All I know is that life goes on. We all crossed paths for a reason but those paths have gone parallel. But I'm ever grateful for whatever path we had together :)