Thursday, 28 January 2016

Distance is just a test to see how far love can travel (:

Hello readers it has been awhile hasn't it? And I made it one of my new year resolutions to update my blog more frequently. Anyways, my latest thoughts have been on long distance relationships because let's face it everyone thinks they will have their happy ever after until someone moves further away from the other. I am not saying distance makes or breaks a relationship but I have got to admit it tests your relationship to a whole new level. Even I just came out of the long distance relationship thing when my boyfriend came back a month ago. Yes it was like between states which is like a 5 hour bus ride away but when you are so used to seeing someone almost every day, you will feel the pinch.

There were a lot of couples who I looked up to for their long distance relationships especially when my boyfriend decided to go to Penang for his internship. To be honest, I never thought I could handle long distance. A lot of people I knew couldn't handle it and their relationships ended so I just thought no, this is definitely not for me either. So when the bombshell dropped and the pleading and begging ended, I was left on my own all alone within my four walls. Yes I survived that 5 months but it definitely wasn't easy at first. There were days I would wake up crying and countless of nights sleeping on my tear-drenched pillows. Like I said earlier those couples were kind of like my pillar, their random trips back to surprise their significant other and all the random stuff that they posted on social media to show how much they miss each other. But most of them didn't survive in the end :( I don't know how and why it ended but trust me I was shocked when I realized they were no longer together, pillars are not invincible after all.

The one thing which I learnt while being on this LDR was that I can stand on my own. And there will be times when you need to make decisions for yourself, for your better good, so make the right choice. Because to be honest yes we all want our happy ever after but life isn't a fairy tale and prince charming doesn't exist so you gotta be your own hero. Relationships mean putting the other persons needs before your own but make sure it works both ways. Loving yourself is more important than anyone else because you have to deal with the person in the mirror not anyone else. This is pretty much everything that came into perspective during those 5 months. Maybe some relationships are sweeter than the rest but never lose yourself in the process.

Friday, 1 January 2016

New Year, New Me Maybe?

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2016 peeps! I pretty much started off New Year with a bang - I looked awesome and I felt awesome-er :)

Saturday, 28 November 2015

Doubts? You don't know the meaning of that word!

Do you know how many nights I have gone to sleep crying my eyes out until my pillows and blanket and whatever was on my bed that could soak tears was soaked? Yeah I didn't think you would since you spent all that time in dreamland while I tossed and turned the night away because of you lies and ego. When did you ever put me first in your life decisions? It was always about you and your dreams. I was always the one left with our dreams because God forbid you were my priority. Yes you are planning for our future but what about now? You are living for a tomorrow that is not even promised. I could just go to sleep tonight and never wake up. Where would our future be then?

And now you come to me saying you have doubts about a relationship that is not even your priority? Like wow talk about a slap on the face, I think even that would have hurt less. You're the one making the stupid decisions and dragging me along for it but you're the one with the doubts? Falling for another girl when your girlfriend is here thinking about you and finding ways to spend time with you isn't enough? Or texting other girls and going for dinner with them while your girlfriend entertains your family and deals with their judgments? Even getting a slap couldn't make you tell the truth when everyone else was telling your girlfriend she was being deceived.

You were never afraid of losing and you never will be. I'm just waiting for that one day when I have finally had enough and decide to pack up and walk away. Trust me when that day comes there will be no turning back. So yeah you have doubts? I really wonder why cause the last time I checked I never gave you a reason to have doubts.

Sunday, 22 November 2015

The last goodbye

Curiosity killed the cat. Curiosity killed me. Not like I died or anything. I am very much alive right now. Officially removed you from my life today. No more seeing things I do not want to see. Do not need to see. I cannot say it did not hurt. I cannot lie to myself. To see the add friend button, deja vu much. You have removed me so I guess it was time I did the same. Not for you but for me. There are still mixed feelings but it's only the fact of losing someone who had such an impact on my life. Someone who made me feel again, trust me I hate you for that but still you will probably always be my kryptonite. But then again, there was someone else before you and I got over him so if that is possible, I will probably get over you too someday. Even if I have to listen to every breakup song in the history of break up songs.

With all that being said, I know you will probably never read this but inspired by Miley Cyrus 7 things I would like to thank you for everything - good or bad because they helped shaped me into the person I am today. Thank you for giving me the closure I needed the last time we hanged out, you do not know how bad I needed it. It made me realized we were both not ready for something so special in our lives and that's okay because it prepared us for the special people in our lives now. Thank you for just paying for everything, it made me realize how a girl should be treated every once in awhile. Thank you for letting me win at pool even though we both know you are the better player, it reminded me of why I feel in love with you from the start. Thank you for not smoking in the car because you know how much I hate the smell, it is nice to know that you still remember some of my pet peeves. Last but not the least, thank you for opening up to me about whatever happened in the past - the tears and laughter, you made me realize that I was not the only one that was hurting, we were both wounded.

Maybe everything you said that night was not true but I would give it the benefit of the doubt. We had 26 days and so many memories that I will probably never forget but knowing that my heart doesn't ache anymore is that best feeling ever trust me. I'm finally closing this chapter that was way overdue with a sense of completeness. Thanks for the memories. Bluek.

Saturday, 3 October 2015

Material girl in a material world?

I believe that everyone has a right to their own personal opinion and I honestly love to hear people’s opinion on whatever matter but I despise people who shove and force their opinion on me, especially people who I don’t know. I’m an introvert so I find it hard to just voice my opinion to people who I don’t know, even when I know a person for years I take awhile to state my opinion.

So to cut to the chase, a guy told me that all guys will put their car first before their girlfriends. And this guy who told me this even went further to say that when his previous girlfriend confronted him because he had a problem with her eating in his car and asked him to choose between the car and her, he gladly choose his car. I was baffled beyond words when I heard this. I’ve read about how guys worship their cars and I have my fair share of close guy friends who are car freaks, including my boyfriend but none of them would choose their car over their family and friends. Like you’re choosing this material thing over a person that’s supposed to be your other half? No wonder you are still single man.

But that got me thinking, how many people would actually choose something materialistic over a living breathing human being? I know I used to be super obsessed with my phone that I could not go anywhere without it but after going for a week long camp without my phone, I learnt that I could live without it. A lot of people have their priorities pretty messed up though. It is sad because they are showing love to things instead of people so their love can never be returned.

The perfect example I would give to the guys who choose their cars over girlfriends, would be the Fast & Furious movies. Yes it is ride or die but it is ride or die for family, the people they love. Even in a movie that is all about cars, they put family first. You may say your girlfriend is not family, but why are you dating her then if not to start a family with her? You are supposed to be protecting her at all costs and that’s what families do right? People have got to stop using people and loving things, instead start loving people and using things. Get their priorities straight.

Saturday, 15 August 2015

Of course I love him, you don't give people you dont love the power to destroy you

The worst thing the person you love can do to you is lie. It betrays the trust that you had for that person and makes you question everything the person ever said to you. Like were you lying when you said I love you? Were you lying when you said I'm the only one? And when you're pissed drunk and it leads to this emotional state and you just can't control your emotions and everything just flows. It's like getting stabbed in the heart a millions times or getting your heart ripped out from your chest. Trust me, you can't fake those emotions.

Sometimes I wonder how do people move on from the betrayal of a loved one? Yes, forgiving is easy but how about forgetting and moving on? How can you possibly be alright with whatever the person is doing? Is that possible? There's just so many questions and so little answers. I guess that's what makes me cling on to God so much. Just knowing that He is the only one that's never gonna betray my trust even though I have betrayed His trust numerous times.

I would also consider it karma sometimes. We never appreciate the people that truly love us till it's too late and they have moved on. We become the person that's taken for granted now. That is until the day we finally decide to walk away just like the people who loved us did. And the cycle just continues till two people who have been taken for granted eventually find each other and live happily ever after. Or maybe the person just continues to be taken for granted. I don't know the ending of the story.

All I know is that it's 4 in the morning and I've finally sobered up from the tears. And I wish I didn't feel this crappy right now.

Thursday, 13 August 2015

I am part of the youths and I drink.

It's safe to say that a lot of people have been very judgmental towards the fact that I drink and I am active in youth activities in church. Everyone feels it contradicts the whole point of me serving in church and I even had people telling me to not post about my drinking session on the social media as it will confuse other people. Mind you that these people include family, close friends, strangers and people who are involved in the church and drinking too (pot calling the kettle black much?) Anyways after months of the emotional roller coaster of getting pissed to just letting it slide, I have decided to put my point of view out there. I am not trying to point fingers at anybody but I think the least you can do besides talking behind my back and telling me what to do is to just hear me out.

Firstly I will start by introducing myself. By year, I am considered 21 but my birthday is in a few months time. I was raised by both my parents till I was 16 and then they separated and as of this year, are officially divorced. I was brought up in a household where my parents were both drinkers and my dad is a smoker. They brought me to a pub before I could even walk and I had my fair share of birthday, Christmas and every other festival celebration there. But guess what was my order every Friday night? A Sprite or Coke. Yes there were nights when I was cheeky and my parents would allow me a sip of their drink but that was about it. I knew that I would only be able to start drinking when I was older because they raised me in such a manner. Even when they separated, I could have gone down the road of drinking and smoking - everyone would have just blamed my parents right? But I didn't because I knew better. I was raised better.

So fast forward a little bit to after SPM, I started helping out in Sunday School in the confirmation class with 2 other friends. My friend was turning 21 and he was having a party so I drank Shandy. Imagine at the age of 19 I was getting tipsy from a little bit of Shandy, but that was the first time I was drinking. My friends would remember how I laughed for no reason. Then the next time was during Christmas and New Year. So I only started drinking during occasions. No big deal because hardly any photos were surfacing on my Facebook account. Mind you, I was going for youth camps, giving testimonies and helping out at Sunday School at this time. Was I drawing further away from God? No, in fact I was drawing closer to Him because I know none of this could ever comfort me like God's love does.

Now this year, I became part of the core team in the youths and I'm at church almost every day of the week. I have found my true joy in the God and nothing can take that away from me. Not even alcohol. This year, I also started drinking with my friends every month. We would go over to drink at someone's house or head over to a rented apartment. No we did not go clubbing. Instead, we drink, eat, talk, dance and just let loose. Yes sometimes someone over drinks and ends up puking but we take care of each other, I over drank too when I didn't know my limits. It's a learning process. We even discuss about religion sometimes, relationships and every other topic possible. I'm not saying you need to drink to have a good time and talk things out but what's wrong in drinking? I see young people who are still in school drinking and I'm like wow when I was your age, all I drank was Sprite to get a sugar rush. I'm not judging people based on their age but the fact remains that I am 21 and I can think for myself. 5 years down the road, I might be married. What drinking session will I be having then? There will be way more responsibilities as I get older and I'll eventually even need to support my family. Am I influencing others to drink? OF course not. I saw my own youth leaders drinking last time but that didn't influence me to drink. I made a choice to start drinking, no one forced me to and I always walk away from this.

I would like to say thank you to the people who are concerned about my well being. I get where you are coming from but please understand that you cannot dictate my life. I have to make choices and experience my own life. I will always go back to God no matter what because those drinking sessions are temporary but He is permanent and everlasting.

Thursday, 4 June 2015

We're just strangers with memories ♥

I saw you walk right past me. I would have walked up to you and said hi but I know you don't want me to be a part of your life anymore. It's unbelievable though when I think of all the memories. We grew up together. You were there when no one else was. You saw me through playing ice and fire to relatonships and heartbreak. To be honest you acted like a dick most of the time and most people wondered why I put up with you but I guess thats what true friendship is like. Like burping in your face. Hahah. 15 more days till your birthday too. Nope could never forget it. 6 months apart remember? And I could keep going on about everthing I miss about you but it wouldn't bring back my best friend. Sometimes we need to let the people we love be happy without us cause that's what love is like. Yes I do think about how life would have turned out differently if well you and me but it didn't for a reason and I still lost you so maybe I should have tried but we can't go back there now can we? We've both moved on and shits happened. Can I say I miss those surprise calls after months? Where we would talk like nothing was wrong? Filled with empty promises of catching up soon. Just know that I would pick up your call in a heartbeat and mend this friendship with all of my ability. I love you, always have and always will. And no guy can ever replace you. Cause you know too much about me that sometimes I didn't even know about myself :)

Wednesday, 13 May 2015

"You've changed" No shit, that's life.

Just standing there and looking at the lake earlier, I just realized you would never understand how I feel. You would never understand how it feels like that someone else is getting my attention. I think if you had know me before when I was close to him then maybe you would understand. To have another person understand me so much and complete my sarcasm. And not forgetting the chemistry which everyone else besides me seemed to notice. That's what you get from years of friendship not just an overnight closeness to someone you just met.

I miss him and I miss them. Like how all of us were. The crazy stuff and all. When we were inseparable. I just never thought things would change but it did and I'm still dealing with the aftermath. Like how can you go for years of knowing someone to just becoming a complete stranger? I still find it strange, like I'm just going to wake up one day and everything is going to be okay. Which is not possible in any way but a person can dream. Hahah.

All I know is that life goes on. We all crossed paths for a reason but those paths have gone parallel. But I'm ever grateful for whatever path we had together :)