Sunday, 21 October 2012

I always have this fear that one day you are going to discover that I'm not as great as you once thought I was :(

Hey you. Yeah you. You know who you are.

I'm SORRY. I know it doesn't really make a difference but I am. I'm sorry I can't tell you everything. I'm sorry things are so complicated right now. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for all the sh*t I'm putting you through. I'm sorry. I just don't know how to tell you this. It's too hard. I don't know what's more hurtful, telling you or not. It's just so screwed up. I wish things were simpler. I wish I met you before I ever met him. I wish I didn't love him so much. I do love you. More than I ever imagined I could. But I still want him. It's hard to explain but it's the truth. I want him but I don't want him. I let him go and lost him.

The worst part is I'm starting to let you go. To push you away. Cause that's what I always do. Push the people I love away before they leave me. Let go before I lose them. That's how it's always been in my life. Everyone leaves or changes into a whole different person and I'll have to pick up the pieces and try to put them back together. I've build up a wall. A shield to defend myself. To avoid the pain. But I've too much of emotions to avoid that pain. I'm too sensitive. Always getting hurt and never learning my lesson.

I'm scared. Terrified actually. That you would realise I'm not worth it. That I'm good enough. That you'll find someone else and I'll be left with the broken pieces. You've got so much to look forward to next year. NS, college, and the list goes on. There's this whole new life waiting for you and I don't know where I'll fit into it. Or whether I will be a part of it at all.

I just got a lot going on right now. I just need some space. I have no intensions of hurting you. That would be the last thing I would ever wanna do. Just know that I love you. Focus on your SPM now. Do your best. That's all you need to do now.

xoxo. Nights my love.

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